It’s the part of parenting that none of us likes, the times when we have to lay down the law or set consequences, but the truth is that discipline is a necessary part of your child’s development if they’re going to learn and grow into responsible adults who can manage their own behavior. Of course, it’s true that every parent has their own ideas on punishment based on what makes them feel comfortable or the way they were raised as children, but in the end we all want the same results.
 

 
As a mother of three (mostly well-behaved) children, I have found inspiration in a softer approach. That’s not to say I am a pushover, quite the opposite, but I realized early on that I could get my points across in an effective manner either by telling or showing my kids the consequences of the things they chose to do. My parenting style also shifted as my little ones grew older because I had to change as they changed. Here are a few things that have worked for me and may give you some inspiration of your own.
 

A guide to gentle discipline

Changing the Subject

 
When my children were toddlers, I realized that it was hard for them to fully understand why I was upset with their behavior. Their little brains were still forming and making important connections, and they were busy exploring their worlds and making their first attempts at communication. It’s actually a very healthy sign when a child begins to say “no” (although it can drive us mad at times). They are establishing their own independence and seeing themselves as individuals for the first time.

However, all of that exploring does not have to include tearing up our important papers or playing with fragile possessions around the house. Throwing things and hitting are also crossing boundaries that aren’t acceptable. For me, distraction worked the best during these formative years. If my little one couldn’t play with mommy’s purse or fancy decorations, I needed to find something else for them to play with. I would present one of their toys or a book in a happy and excited manner, and when they reached for it, I had the opportunity to move my important things to a safer place for the moment until it was forgotten about. Sitting down to play something else with them also works wonders.
 

Fair Warnings

 
As my kids started preschool, I began to put more lessons into my discipline that I believed they would be able to grasp. The loss of a toy or privilege began to come into play, but with two important rules. First, I would always give them one warning, such as “If you don’t stop teasing your brother, I’m going to turn off the TV.” If it happened again, I would turn the TV off immediately, no more chances. It doesn’t take children long to figure out that you are merely making empty threats if you don’t follow through with what you say.

My other rule is to give them a specific period of time they’re going to be losing the privilege. It took my kids several years to understand the concept of real time in the first place, and I didn’t want them to think their punishment was going to last forever. Putting it in a way that they can relate to (“until your dad gets home from work” or “until you wake up tomorrow morning”) gives them a better idea of what they can expect.
 

Options

 
There are circumstances where we already know our child isn’t going to be happy to follow directions. Many small wars have been fought over brushing teeth, picking out clothes, cleaning rooms, etc., but I learned a trick to at least cutting down on those types of battles. I would bring in the second option. For instance, I would ask my daughter whether she wanted to wear her blue jeans or black skirt to school when I knew what she really wanted was not to get dressed at all. Although she already knew deep down that not wearing clothes was not an option, by offering choices I gave her some control over the situation and let her feel like she had won the battle.
 

Self-Consequences

 
As my kids got older, I sometimes let them make their own mistakes. When my son once told me that his homework had “gone missing,” instead of pitching a fit, I allowed him to discover what the consequences were in his classroom of not having finished it. When my other son spent his entire allowance on a toy that he played with maybe twice and forgot about, I did not offer him more money until the next time he did his chores. When my children began to see how their actions affected them in their own worlds, they began to be more responsible and did the things that needed to get done.
 

What’s Really Going On?

 
It used to baffle me that my children would hit a stage 4 tantrum over something that seemed simple, like not getting to watch a particular show or when a toy broke that they had mishandled, but when I would just stop and ask them what was really bothering them, there was often something more under the surface. Maybe a child is just having a bad day all around, or maybe something happened with a friend or teacher that’s really bothering them. After all, we as adults have our moody days — why should children be any different? If my child was displaying behavior out of proportion to the incident at hand, I took it as a cue to sit down with them and ask them if something else was really going on, and more often than not I would get to the bottom of the situation.
 

Comparing Notes

 
A lot has been said and written on the subject of discipline, but I believe that if we’re parenting with love, there really is no right or wrong way. However, it is important for us as parents not to make comparisons or be judgmental with each other. The old saying that it takes a village has never been more true , and if we are supporting each other as parents, our children can all grow up to be superstars in their own right.

Glenna Scott
Palm Beach Gardens, FL